Hold it together

I have sung at many funerals and memorial services over the years, and as long as I don’t know the person, I usually have not had a difficult time maintaining my composure. In fact, I have felt good about being able to minister in music at such times. When I know the family involved it is much more difficult. I am a very emotional person, and if I let myself get caught up in the proceedings, it is very easy for me to choke up. This is fine when one does not have to sing. There are some people who easily sing and talk through tears, but I am not one of them.

I sang at a memorial service today for a relatively young man who went to be with the Lord, leaving behind a wife and 3 young daughters, so even though I did not know them well, I knew I would be emotional. So, I used everything in my “bag of tricks” to get through it. I thought I would share, since we all (ok, at least those of us who are girls) have times when we need to be able to contain our emotions. So, here are my tips to you for the next time you have to sing or speak and think you might break down:

• If at all possible, ask to be first on the program. That way you will not have to hear anyone else speak or sing.
• If you cannot be first, try to be absent for the part of the program before your part. Hang out in the hall and avoid talking to anyone, sit in the back and wear earplugs, read a book, etc. I walked around behind the sanctuary this morning while the person before me finished speaking. I plugged my ears just enough that I could hear him talking but couldn’t hear what he was saying.
• Try not to become overly familiar with the song you’re singing, or your brain will have too much free time to think about things which will cause you to lose control.
• Engage the left side of your brain. The right side of your brain is where that emotion is coming from, so you want to activate your left brain by doing math in your head, doing a Sudoku puzzle or anything else that takes analytical skills.
• In the days leading up to the event, think about it a lot. Visualize what it will be like and imagine yourself maintaining your composure and performing well. Then…
• Stop thinking about it. Think of it as a non-event, that you’re just taking part in like many past events that didn’t mean anything to you personally.
• Pretend. Pretend that you don’t know the people. Pretend the event is something else entirely. Pretend anything you can to remove yourself from the event emotionally.

So, what happens if you’re in the middle of something and you start to break down?

• Breathe deeply. This releases the catch in your throat as you’re trying to hold back the tears.
• Smile your biggest smile. Even if you’re bawling, this will help. This saved me from a total emotional washout as I was walking down the aisle at my wedding.
• Count things. Count ceiling tiles, lights, bricks on the wall, people, anything. Or, divide 123 by 8, or some other mental math challenge.

While I was in college, I sang at a graveside service for a woman whose son had died the previous year and had been cremated (I had sung at his memorial service as well). As I sang Amazing Grace, they poured his ashes over the top of his mother’s casket. Usually when I sing at funerals, I am well removed from the people attending, but this time I was right on top of them under the little tent, hoping that a strong wind wouldn’t kick up and cause those ashes to fly into my face. I was focusing on a spot on the tent right above a woman’s head and doing well at keeping my distance emotionally, under the circumstances. As I took a breath between verses, the woman whose head was just below my “focal point” collapsed into loud boo-hooing. Only by the grace of God did I keep it together, and I’m thankful to Him that today went well also- I was honored to be a small part of it.