What can you expect?

Our pastor, Jon Trainer, wrote a facetious “what to expect” when you visit New Hope Bible Church entry on the church blog. In one of the comments, a reader mentioned he’d like to read about what to expect at other churches, such as, “Our Lady of Perpetual Motion Catholic Church” and the “All Paths Lead Everywhere Unitarian Church”. Following is a description I’ve written of what to expect if you should visit the “Come to Jesus First Baptist Church”:

When you arrive at the Come to Jesus First Baptist Church, the first thing you’ll notice is our historic building and beautiful stained glass. We’re the oldest church in this town, and the building has been named as a historic landmark. We’re pleased about this because it means we can keep it just as it is until the Rapture, with the piano on the left, organ on the right, the perfect shade of red carpet and the memorial plaques on the pulpit, organ, pews, Lord’s Supper table and stained glass windows. We recommend you sit in one of the last three pews, if you can find a place, because that’s where God’s presence is the strongest.

Mrs. McClintock will be playing the prelude on our historic Hammond organ that has a wonderful vibrato that these newer organs just can’t match.

Our Chancel Choir will sing a call to worship and end on higher notes than you’ve ever heard sung by the human voice. Two of our sopranos sang with the local opera company in the 60’s and though you can drive a truck through their vibratos nowadays, we can’t kick them out of the choir or it would cause a church split.

Our chairman of deacons, Brother Earl will open the service in prayer. He’ll address our Heavenly Father using Thee and Thou, and you’ll be able to tell he’s the most spiritually mature man in the church by the way he prays around the world and back again. Don’t worry if you fall asleep during the prayer, we’ve all done it at one time or another.

Our music director will energetically invite you to stand and sing to one of our favorite hymns, like a rousing “Showers of Blessing” or “Victory in Jesus”. Don’t worry about having to sing any of those hymns in the hymn book that are in minor keys, because we outlawed those a long time ago. We’ll also never sing the third verse of any of the hymns, because 3 verses are enough for any song (except the invitation). Don’t go raisin’ your hands during the hymns, no matter how excited you get while praising the Lord. We like to get into our hymn singing, but don’t want anyone to think we’re a bunch of Charismatics.

Our pastor, Brother Herb, will give the welcome and invite all the visitors to stay seated and ask the members and regular attenders to stand in their honor so we can recognize you, and we can all come and welcome you with the right hand of fellowship.

During the offertory, Miss Ruthie will play a special on the piano. She’s so talented that sometimes she even writes songs on the spot when the spirit moves her, with words that almost always rhyme. When she’s done playing, everyone will say Amen, but be sure not to clap because that’s a sin.

Bro. Herb studied with Dr. Criswell himself so you can take everything he says for the gospel truth. He’ll get a little sweaty when he preaches and those bright lights could cause a blinding reflection off of his bald head, so shield your eyes. His sermon won’t be any longer than 30 minutes, because when he first started here, the Deacons warned him that if he got to preaching too long it would be grounds to vote him out. When Bro. Herb ends his sermon, he’ll ask everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes, with no one looking around, and he’ll ask for people to raise their hands who haven’t asked Jesus into their hearts.

We’ll sing “Just as I Am” or “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” for the invitation. Don’t worry if you don’t know the words- we’ll sing it all the verses through two or three times, so you’ll learn them pretty quickly. If you begin to feel a gnawing in your stomach, that’s not hunger, it’s the Holy Spirit urging you to come forward and kneel on the front steps of the altar and pray the Sinner’s Prayer. Don’t worry, we have kleenexes up there if you get a little emotional.

If you visit on the one Sunday in the quarter when we have the Lord’s Supper, don’t be expecting any wine. We’ll be using Welch’s grape juice because everyone knows that the so-called “wine” in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.

You’ll be out of the service in time to be at the front of the line at the Luby’s Cafeteria, and we sure hope you’ll come back Wednesday night for the Potluck Dinner.